I guess you can’t really do a year in review without looking back. So, for a few moments, I’m going to look back at my own personal 2011.
It really started in Dec 2010. I made the decision to change my life and left a marriage that wasn’t working for both parties involved. Well, it wasn’t working for me. In January, I left a job of nearly 13 years and took a chance on a Company I had never even heard of – great decision! It looked as though it was going to be a good year. We tried to work on our marriage, but one of us, and I’m not naming names, not me, didn’t want to make the changes that were blatantly necessary for a successful, happy marriage. So, with a broken and weary heart, I moved on and into a relationship that was even less healthier than the one I left – and I did this twice with the same guy within a 3 month span. God I’m an idiot.
So, the year was starting out kind of crappy – and I was feeling horrible, and then I got this job opportunity within my company and started seeing a really great guy. Of course I completely guarded my heart. It had already been mutilated more than once in such a short time, and I was about to leave the country. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t work out – although I still think of him as a good friend – a truly great guy. I admit I was pretty bummed it didn’t work out, but fate had something else in store for me.
I decided to leave my life to chance and destiny and see where it would lead me. I read the signs that were presented before me and listened to my heart and instincts and I ended up in Afghanistan. Here is a girl that hates guns, doesn’t like to fly and has never left the US and she finds herself in the middle of a war zone (although honestly it doesn’t really feel like a war zone. It’s just home to me). I had no doubts that it was the right path and I still don’t. Before I left for this adventure, my sister told me that I would meet the right person for me within 3 months time. I didn’t want to meet anyone and I really didn’t want to believe her. I wanted to be on my own. Not only did I not want to meet anyone, I was still broken. I’ve been married twice, had so many relationships I’m afraid to count them and there is only one common denominator in all of it – me. I just suck at picking men. They were all pretty much great guys, I just have trouble picking one that I mesh with.
The funny thing is, I’ve never really been on my own before without a love interest, and I was looking forward to it. I found out that I’m pretty good on my own, and quite happy. Being on my own allowed me the opportunity to figure out who I am what I need from the person I share my life with. I’ve never had so much time to think and contemplate as I did in the first month I was here. What it really came down to was that I just wanted to be me. I needed someone to love me just as I am and to give as much as he got – sounds so easy, but oddly hard to find – and if I never found it, I was okay with that. So, right when I was seriously contemplating becoming a nun – no seriously – I met Paul. He.Found.Me. I can’t even compare this relationship to any other I have had, because there is no equal. I’m me. Just me. Not only that, I feel like I am a better person when I am with him. Instead of feeling tied down, I feel free. In most relationships I have had, I’ve felt trapped. With him I feel like I could fly. And now that he has found me, and I know what a truly good relationship feels like, I have something to lose and that scares me a little. It’s actually a good feeling to know that I have something I care about so deeply that I am afraid to lose it. It makes every moment with him that much better.
This last year showed me how important it is to embrace who you are, and be happy with yourself. Cherish every day that you have, and love deeply with compassion – free of judgment and criticism (much harder than it sounds). Remember to be thankful for the people in your life. No one is replaceable. None of us are perfect, and if we were, think of how boring this world would be. Oh, and at some time in 2012 listen to Oingo Boingo – specifically the “Dead Man’s Party” album. It’s good stuff.
Lose the snow. Yeesh. <3 V
You are brave, creative, smart and beautiful. You need to be adored in 2012!!!
Shar, you’re audience will increase! But don’t worry about falling off the stage, you’ve already done that… we’ve all done that. It sure feels great when you get up and view the crowds and realize you’ve had that wonderful microphone the whole time, finally your singing your song to a good listener. He looks serious, just like you deep down… just what you need.